Wednesday, April 29, 2009
On the use of public bathrooms
One generally assumes that public bathrooms are the filthiest, most germ infested location in a large city. Which of course is true, if we disregard the actual sewers, in which if you are not a sewage worker - whatever those people do- you would have no business being, and if you don't remember what got you there, you should be worried.
Sign in a public bathroom near the Eiffel tower in Paris : " Beware of Pickpockets ! "
Well, that is a scary sign indeed. Is this bathroom the area with the most active pickpockets? Or are they assuming that everybody eventually goes to the toilet, and therefore, that's where all the important signs must be put, including missing persons, public announcements, etc ..?
Are these pickpockets hiding in the toilet? Or do they approach you while easing the tension of your bladder, and bump into you by "accident" ?. If that's the case, they will probably be subjected to some pretty heavy spraying, making them easily detectable by specially trained french poodles, that can detect the smell of someone sprayed by urine other than his own in an "accidental" bumping.
" what about the...other thing?" I can hear some of you ask. Well I suppose some people, who are either big babies, homeless, or otherwise very desperate, DO defecate in public bathrooms. Why don't I defecate in a public bathroom? Well, it's not the actual process, but the idea that I have to sit - with my pants down- on something that was sat on by hundreds of people, each of them contributing to the already exotic population inhabiting the area, and taking all these things and snugly stowing them in my underpants is not an appealing thought to me. Ofcourse, there is an exception to this rule. The one and only time I would sit on the gaping mouth of a public toilet seat, is when I have to urinate in a trans-city train in France. Believe me, if you try to aim in a moving vehicle, you would suffer a very messy failure.
Sign in a public bathroom near the Eiffel tower in Paris : " Beware of Pickpockets ! "
Well, that is a scary sign indeed. Is this bathroom the area with the most active pickpockets? Or are they assuming that everybody eventually goes to the toilet, and therefore, that's where all the important signs must be put, including missing persons, public announcements, etc ..?
Are these pickpockets hiding in the toilet? Or do they approach you while easing the tension of your bladder, and bump into you by "accident" ?. If that's the case, they will probably be subjected to some pretty heavy spraying, making them easily detectable by specially trained french poodles, that can detect the smell of someone sprayed by urine other than his own in an "accidental" bumping.
" what about the...other thing?" I can hear some of you ask. Well I suppose some people, who are either big babies, homeless, or otherwise very desperate, DO defecate in public bathrooms. Why don't I defecate in a public bathroom? Well, it's not the actual process, but the idea that I have to sit - with my pants down- on something that was sat on by hundreds of people, each of them contributing to the already exotic population inhabiting the area, and taking all these things and snugly stowing them in my underpants is not an appealing thought to me. Ofcourse, there is an exception to this rule. The one and only time I would sit on the gaping mouth of a public toilet seat, is when I have to urinate in a trans-city train in France. Believe me, if you try to aim in a moving vehicle, you would suffer a very messy failure.
The fantasy novel template
Intro :
This template is designed to inspire the young writer in love with fantasy novels, to grasp the essence of the genre. It serves as a general outline, leaving the bulk of the story - i.e. meaningless details- for the writer's creative zeal.
[ Title ]
[ Introduction ]
The first paragraph of the introduction should be unclear, either starting in mid-sentence of a conversation between two unknown people in a throne room,
Or describing a situation in which other unidentified people are being pursued
By a score of villains through an evil forest, eventually being capture or killed. The events would either take place in the distant past, or currently but with characters irrelevant to the story.
[ Chapter 1 ]
The first chapter revolves around our hero :
Our hero is a [ Man/ Boy ] , who is a [ farmer's son/ farmer/ stable boy/ rogue] barely getting by, yet very generous, kind and so cute you can't help but like him.
In the case of the hero being a boy, he has a single [parent/grand parent/ aunt or uncle/ guardian].
Our hero lives in a quaint village like so many other villages.
This chapter describes some good and bad points on the community, such as how tough it is to get through the winter by selling barley, and how tight knit, and happy the community is during their summer festivals.
At the end of this chapter, the hero goes somewhere, only to discover something is wrong.
[ Chapter 2 to the end ]
The writer may segment these events in any way that he pleases, usually jumping between situations in crucial moments to keep us on the edge of our seats :
- something unexpected happens [ attack on the village/ someone gets kidnapped, preferably the hero's sweetheart or family member/ parent or guardian dies, but not before telling him a dangerous secret / parent dies, grandparent takes over revealing the truth/ due to any of the previous events, the hero must flee in the dead of night ]
- Realization kicks in [ everyone's dead/ people he thought he knew are not what they seem / he is royalty, kept hidden for his own safety, and must now seize his birthright/ he might get sick, injured, or in a coma, in which case realization comes after recovery ]
- Despair [ over the dead/ over that nothing will ever be the same again/ over some dame/ in the case of the injury, he might wake up to the face of a stranger, who is wondering how he survived, and then despair comes ]
- Determination and training :
Our hero grits his teeth and gets busy getting in shape,with the guidance of his [ Rescuers / guardian / his sheer force of will ] . He will grow stronger, and of course he is the best [ archer/ swordsman/ tracker/ pickpocket/magician/ dancer/ all of the above ] his [ rescuers/ guardian/ villagers ] had ever seen.
- The journey :
At some point, our hero will go on a journey, which has many taverns, confrontations, and close shaves. The journey is also the time when someone joins our hero in his quest. This person [ saves our hero's life/ gets saved by the hero/ shows up uninvited and makes himself at home ] , and stays.
In the journey, the hero must suffer a life threatening, mutilating injury, that he recovers from, either scarred or completely healed.
Stuffing :
To his amazement, our hero discovers that [ dwarves/ elves/ dragons/ wizards/ others ] do exist, and they are either allies or bitter enemies, and accordingly, he would either join forces with, or fight any combination of these beings.
The hero's enemy, who is a [corrupt royal/ evil wizard/ (n) orc chief/ pirate/ marauding breserker] , decides to launch an expansive attack, and our hero rallies [ elves and dwarves/ dwarves and humans/ humans and elves/ poor helpless serfs] and is somehow able to form an army to oppose the enemy in the biggest war since whatever.
Twists:
At the climax, some sort of twist must take place, either the betrayal of a trusted ally, or the realization that he is on the wrong side of the confrontation.
The Almighty:
Most fantasy novels involve the "Gods", either by saying they have abandoned mankind, or by placing two gods as the ultimate sides of the battles on earth. The hero is of course on the side of the good, old, wise god.
Tossing in a few demi-gods and saints, monks, and angels happens although not very common.
The End:
Is usually ambiguous, with a general sense of victory, some happiness, and grief over squandered lives. There should always be more work ahead, perhaps in preparation for a sequel, and also the ominous promise that evil will return.
This template is designed to inspire the young writer in love with fantasy novels, to grasp the essence of the genre. It serves as a general outline, leaving the bulk of the story - i.e. meaningless details- for the writer's creative zeal.
[ Title ]
[ Introduction ]
The first paragraph of the introduction should be unclear, either starting in mid-sentence of a conversation between two unknown people in a throne room,
Or describing a situation in which other unidentified people are being pursued
By a score of villains through an evil forest, eventually being capture or killed. The events would either take place in the distant past, or currently but with characters irrelevant to the story.
[ Chapter 1 ]
The first chapter revolves around our hero :
Our hero is a [ Man/ Boy ] , who is a [ farmer's son/ farmer/ stable boy/ rogue] barely getting by, yet very generous, kind and so cute you can't help but like him.
In the case of the hero being a boy, he has a single [parent/grand parent/ aunt or uncle/ guardian].
Our hero lives in a quaint village like so many other villages.
This chapter describes some good and bad points on the community, such as how tough it is to get through the winter by selling barley, and how tight knit, and happy the community is during their summer festivals.
At the end of this chapter, the hero goes somewhere, only to discover something is wrong.
[ Chapter 2 to the end ]
The writer may segment these events in any way that he pleases, usually jumping between situations in crucial moments to keep us on the edge of our seats :
- something unexpected happens [ attack on the village/ someone gets kidnapped, preferably the hero's sweetheart or family member/ parent or guardian dies, but not before telling him a dangerous secret / parent dies, grandparent takes over revealing the truth/ due to any of the previous events, the hero must flee in the dead of night ]
- Realization kicks in [ everyone's dead/ people he thought he knew are not what they seem / he is royalty, kept hidden for his own safety, and must now seize his birthright/ he might get sick, injured, or in a coma, in which case realization comes after recovery ]
- Despair [ over the dead/ over that nothing will ever be the same again/ over some dame/ in the case of the injury, he might wake up to the face of a stranger, who is wondering how he survived, and then despair comes ]
- Determination and training :
Our hero grits his teeth and gets busy getting in shape,with the guidance of his [ Rescuers / guardian / his sheer force of will ] . He will grow stronger, and of course he is the best [ archer/ swordsman/ tracker/ pickpocket/magician/ dancer/ all of the above ] his [ rescuers/ guardian/ villagers ] had ever seen.
- The journey :
At some point, our hero will go on a journey, which has many taverns, confrontations, and close shaves. The journey is also the time when someone joins our hero in his quest. This person [ saves our hero's life/ gets saved by the hero/ shows up uninvited and makes himself at home ] , and stays.
In the journey, the hero must suffer a life threatening, mutilating injury, that he recovers from, either scarred or completely healed.
Stuffing :
To his amazement, our hero discovers that [ dwarves/ elves/ dragons/ wizards/ others ] do exist, and they are either allies or bitter enemies, and accordingly, he would either join forces with, or fight any combination of these beings.
The hero's enemy, who is a [corrupt royal/ evil wizard/ (n) orc chief/ pirate/ marauding breserker] , decides to launch an expansive attack, and our hero rallies [ elves and dwarves/ dwarves and humans/ humans and elves/ poor helpless serfs] and is somehow able to form an army to oppose the enemy in the biggest war since whatever.
Twists:
At the climax, some sort of twist must take place, either the betrayal of a trusted ally, or the realization that he is on the wrong side of the confrontation.
The Almighty:
Most fantasy novels involve the "Gods", either by saying they have abandoned mankind, or by placing two gods as the ultimate sides of the battles on earth. The hero is of course on the side of the good, old, wise god.
Tossing in a few demi-gods and saints, monks, and angels happens although not very common.
The End:
Is usually ambiguous, with a general sense of victory, some happiness, and grief over squandered lives. There should always be more work ahead, perhaps in preparation for a sequel, and also the ominous promise that evil will return.
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